Revolving Dates
by Verboten Byacolate
Summary: The Pervert Trio are tired of the Konoha prudes. Taking matters into their own hands is easy when the Godaime is unintentionally helping. [crackfic] [CoWritten by Zhou Mak]


Bya-chan's Note; This thing was a long time coming. Yeesh. I'm glad it's finally up, and I hope you all do too! Rest assured, all of our people will be together at the end… or maybe that's what we want you to think? Yes, _we_. Zhou-Mak and I (again). So, I hope you all enjoy!

Zhou-Mak's Note; Hello, it's me, Bya-chan's shadow. Or as most of you know me, Zhou Mak. When Bya-chan originally came and asked if we could do a collab together, I thought, "Cool. I wonder what she wants to write." Little did I know that I was the one who would be coming up with the plot. Hey, it worked and we're a team. (God forbid) So...enjoy our second colloborative efforts. -holds up fans that say, "Don't forget to tell us what you think!" and dances wildly-

Disclaimer; Neither of us own Naruto. You will thank the otherworldly beings after reading THIS crack.

**Naruto: Revolving Dates**

_CHAPTER ONE: THE SET-UP _

Four days before Valentine's Day…Jiraya's hut.

They come around every year, inevitably. They know it. They fear it. Well... at least, the men do. The female population, though, revels in it like you couldn't imagine. These are the holidays Valentine's Day and White Day.

Too bad some men are just too dense to do anything about it. We are no such men. Who is this 'we', you ask? Well... We are the Pervert Trio. We like to think that it is an affectionate name, but Ebisu's not too sure. He's not nearly as optimistic as Kakashi and I are, but he's a good man nonetheless; you couldn't find a better forger anywhere else in the Fire country. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to tutting those idiot guys that have absolutely too few hormones for my liking.

One I can name right off the bat is Uchiha Sasuke. I mean, the boy's supposed to be a genius, and yet, he pays no heed to the fangirls that surround him every day! Oh, how I'd love to take his place for a day... half a day... Hell, even an hour'd suffice! But, before I really start babbling...

I need to berate Naruto. Don't look at me like that, yeah I know I'm his sensei, but I can't help it, the little twit's aggravating. I don't understand it either. I've been training him for more than two years and at least that long it's just been me and him. So why isn't he more like me? Besides, I don't get his infatuation with that Sakura. She's with Tsunade most of the time, so I know exactly what world of hurt he's going to be in when he finally does try something. And is he so stupid not to notice the cute, overcoat wearing girl that always follows him around? I mean I can practically feel the love coming off of her, and I'm a PERVERTED OLD MAN! If I can feel it, then why can't that yellow haired fox boy? It's so frustrating. Dang it, I started babbling, why didn't you stop me? So, who's next?

Hyuuga Neji. His eyes are supposedly 'all-seeing', right? Byakugan? Feh. WHY DOESN'T HE PUT THAT SUCKER TO GOOD USE?!? He could be a better Icha-Icha writer than ME with THOSE puppies! Tsk, tsk... We could make such a great team...

Lastly, there's Nara Shikamaru. THAT LAZY ASS! He's got that Yamanaka chick on his team, RIGHT THERE, and he's too lazy to make a move! IT'S INFURIATING! And how does he justify putting it off?! It's too freakin' troublesome! TOO TROUBLESOME! You wanna know what's too troublesome! Starting my next book without any base material!

And thoughts like those are how this whole thing started...

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"What do you mean, Baa-chan?" spattered Naruto to Tsunade.

"I mean exactly what I said, brat. Having a month in between the days makes remembering who did what difficult. So I'm going to move White day to a week after Valentine's Day. And it's your job as shinobi to make sure everyone knows how this is gonna work." Tsunade could feel that one vein in her forehead throb violently. _And if I have to explain this one more time, the next person to ask is going through a window, or door, or wall, I don't really care._

"Tsunade-sama, we can't possibly tell the entire village about this change in the four days before Valentine's Day." Sakura was all for the idea, especially since Sasuke kept managing to forget her on White Day.

_Well, I'm sick of explaining_, thought Tsunade as she thrust her fist forward and hit Naruto towards the nearest wall and just about managed to hit Shikamaru. _Oh, yeah, I should probably not flail about so much, I might hit somebody else. _Tsunade looked around at the assembled ninja. Ino, Sakura, Naruto, Tenten, Sasuke, Neji, Temari, Hinata, Shino and more than a little startled Shikamaru stood around the room, except for Naruto, who climbed out of the wreckage that was a wall.

"This is so troublesome. She explained it already, weren't you listening?" said Shikamaru who recovered the fastest from the unexpected projectile that was lobbed at him. "Hokage-sama wanted us to each write valentine's to each other and go on a date during Valentine's day, then subtly mention that the guys had a week to do something for White day. She called us because she figured we'd have the best chance of advertising to people, right Hokage-sama?"

"Thank you for listening, Shikamaru," answered Tsunade while thinking to herself, _That and you ten are the only ones that don't have a date out of all the ninja. So hopefully you'll get the message. _Interrupting her thoughts, Tsunade heard another dissenting opinion; it was all she could do to not toss her now-empty sake bottle at Naruto in anger.

"Hokage-sama, while I believe that your idea is a solid one, I am wondering why you are so adamant that I participate. After all, I am a Suna ninja," commented Temari, clinging desperately to anything to not have to go through with this. She would rather die then confess to her crush.

Tsunade was prepared for this question, she was after all, a ninja, "Fret not Temari-chan! Since you are the emissary for Suna to Konoha, I do have joint jurisdiction over you. All I had to do was send your brother a letter requesting your participation in this little escapade. As you can see, he signed where he needed to." Tsunade proudly pulled out a sheet of paper that stated that Temari was, for all intents and purposes, a shinobi of Konoha that had to follow the Hokage's orders.

In truth, this wasn't the letter that Tsunade sent to Gaara. That letter mentioned something about humiliating Temari out of her mind and allowing for another way to strengthen the alliance between Konoha and Suna. Gaara signed that document. What Tsunade was currently showing Temari was a legal, Hokage-stamped, signed document with Gaara's signature…that Gaara never saw. Tsunade knew that Temari would try something like what she did, so the Hokage, in all of her infinite wisdom, had Ebisu forge Gaara's signature. It worked like a charm.

"Well, then if there are no more questions," nobody dared to raise their hand in defiance. Shikamaru was too lazy, Neji, Sasuke, and Shino were too cool. Temari was still in shock, Hinata was too shy, Sakura was plotting with her inner self, Ino was plotting with her outer self, and Naruto was still climbing out of the wall. "Good, then you are all dismissed. Boys, I expect you to have a date set up for tonight."

After everyone left, Tsunade called in another ninja. "Ebisu, I want you to watch Jiraya. I have it on good authority that he plans on staking out the women's hot tubs when they get certificates as gifts. Stop him. And thank you so much for signing for the Kazikage on that document. You did very well, I'd hate to see you in the wrong hands."

Ebisu slightly blushed from receiving such high praise and from being in the presence of such _assets_. He was a pervert, after all. After thanking his Hokage, he sprinted off in search of the white haired Toad Sage.

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Three days before Valentine's Day…Outskirts of Konoha

I was surprised that I didn't have to shoo Naruto away that day... In fact... He took the liberty to shoo me, instead. Damned kid. Stupid, though. And gullible... very gullible. That's how I came to learn about Tsunade-chan's plan. Then, he dashed off to do whatever it is he was supposed to do. And I began plotting.

"Changing White Day, huh?" I scoffed. Tsunade sure let being Hokage get to her head. Either that, or it was the sake. Sweet, sweet sake... Seeing as I was distracted by my thoughts of sake, I didn't notice someone coming my way until they bumped into me. I was about to get onto the bastard who had the audacity to run into me, until I realized that I noticed the book in his hands. A fan!

"Ah, Icha-Icha violence!" I said in a dreamy voice. Kakashi smiled. "A true classic," he chimed along with me. Oh-ho! This was a great man after all! I indulged in him if he knew what his students were doing. He looked curious (well, as curious as you can look with one eye showing), so I told him the length of what I knew. It might have been just me, but his one eye seemed to turn a bit eviler as he said, "So, Jiraiya-sama, I suppose you have a plan." And, oh, did I!

"Hai. Here's the 411, dig?" He sweatdropped, but nodded anyway. "So, our little Genins-" Kakashi coughed. "What?"

"Shikamaru's a Chuunin."

"Whatever," I replied, waving it off. "Okay, so our little midgets are running around, giving Valentines, right? Well, what if-"

Up popped Ebisu. A vein throbbed in my head; I was a little tired of getting interrupted. But, no matter; this was another pervert, and he instantly seemed dazzled by my idea. So, we let him in. And I told them my plan.

After I finnished, Ebisu shook his head. "It'll never work."

"What do you mean?" I demanded.

"Tsunade-sama will catch you... and I don't plan for my head to be on the same platter that yours will be resting on. I like my life, you know."

"I think it's a great idea," Kakashi chirped. I grinned; Ebisu was totally outnumbered.

"Come on, man! Show some self-pride! Besides, we need you. You know that."

The man looked skeptical.

"Oh, now, Ebisu; We're all the same, here! We perverts need to stick together!"

Ah, Kakashi. Bless him.

"Right!" I said before Ebisu could deny it any longer. "Men, we need paper, glitter, paint, rice, pens, ink, coffee, and porn!"

"Why porn?"

I gave Ebisu an odd look.

"How the hell else do you think we're gonna be able to get our poetic juices flowing? GET TO WORK!"

It all seemed so innocent at the time...

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After several hours' work Kakashi, Ebisu and I managed to get ten valentines each set up with a particular person. Ebisu and Kakashi originally thought that we should match up the proper people, to which I expertly responded, "For what? You're trying to tell me that we just spent all that time, a ream of paper, two quarts of ink, seven pots of coffee, and three issues of Icha Icha Heaven to play matchmaker! That's something Tsunade could have done in twenty minutes with half the paper and no Icha Icha. No, gentlemen, we're not just going to play matchmaker, we're going to mix this up as much as humanly possible, and then some!"

Ebisu really enjoyed the idea, but Kakashi had reservations, "Jiraya, I don't think that I could look my team in the eye if I betrayed them like this. It's just so mean."

I expected it to be a joke, and that he would burst out laughing right after. He didn't. That was something I totally didn't expect. Kakashi, one of the people who damn-near single handedly supports my books, to object to something so harmless as this.

Mustering all my suave and mastery of the language, I replied, "Huh? What do you mean Kakashi? Do you think that Naruto will thank you for not helping as much as you could?" His eye looked at me in what one can only suppose as a questioning look, I took it as an okay to continue, "I mean, after all, if he found out that you had the chance to land him a date with his beloved Sakura-chan and let it go, he'd probably hate you forever. And what about Sakura? You owe it to her to show her how other guys are so that she at least knows that that Uchiha isn't the only option. And Sasuke? He's gotta go and do something like this at least once before he calls for a throw down with his big brother. And on top of all that good work, there's all the other kids that you'll help with this."

Kakashi didn't look entirely convinced, or he did and I misread his eye. Damn it's so hard to tell with him! However, I know his weakness! "And besides, Kakashi, I need some new material for my next Icha Icha book." Bullseye, ew, probably shouldn't use that saying when around Kakashi.

But that doesn't mean it wasn't appropriate. His eye lit up like a car with a broken headlight going on highbeams. I could see the smile through his mask, I swear, I even saw some teeth. I knew I had hit it home.

"Okay, Jiraya, I'm in. Ebisu, you too?"

"Yeah, and Jiraya, count your lucky stars that Tsunade asked me to be the one that watched out for you today."

"Really now, what would she be watching little ol' me for? Could she be expecting a valentine from yours truly?"

Kakashi popped up with a reply to this, "I doubt it, she probably just wants to prevent something like this from happening." Ouch. Way to deflate the ego, old boy.

"Well then, I guess it's good to have a man on the inside. Thanks for the heads up Ebisu. So, the question remains, how we gonna do this?"

"Well, if Ebisu and I go around and deliver these as letter carriers, and do it door to door, it should be pretty easy. How'd we set this up again?" answered Kakashi.

Ebisu was able to tell Kakashi what do to do so I wouldn't have to shout it at him for forgetting. I swear Kakashi gets lost in his own mind somedays. "Well, Kakashi-san, it's very easy. You have the envelopes for the girls. Deliver them as necessary to each house. Make sure the indigo envelope does not get to the Hyuuga manor, we don't want Neji to take out Hinata. That would be bad on several levels. So once those are delivered, then the girls get a random spot, time and person."

Kakashi picked up on this rather quickly, "But they don't know who the person is. That way, they go on a date and have to advertise for the Hokage, which will make them stay on the date in the first place." I love it when a plan comes together.

I finally decided to wrap up this little lesson in the plan and talk about why we'll always know what's going on, "See, Kakashi, this is pretty well thought out on my part. Oh, and if you're wondering how we're going to know how the dates are going. That's easy, we each go to a spot and spy on it." Kakashi and Ebisu both looked at each other before simultaneously responding.

"Jiraya, we know you're getting old, but senility is something we didn't expect." They were asking for it now, I know I'm old, I've come to accept it. I can age with grace, as long as I can still get some tail, but when someone suggests that I may be losing it, THEN I have a problem.

"What are you talking about? I'm only as senile as you two."

Kakashi looked at Ebisu and asked him to go on, Ebisu learned his lesson about challenging me when he met me at the hot tubs that first time. Finally, I'd had it with these grown men, who didn't have the balls to tell me something. "Well, spit it out? What are you, children?"

Kakashi looked at me with his eye full of hatred, or malice, or anger, or happiness, or glee. I FREAKIN' HATE THAT EYE! Well, he looked at me and said, "There will be five dates, there are only three in the Pervert Trio (Yeah, we finally decided on that for a name, I think it works)."

I could only look incredulously at Kakashi, "What, you can't summon your dogs, I think that Pakkun would love to do this. Besides I have Gamakichi and some of his brothers that I can call favors from. This'll be a snap. Alright, I'm going to get the reservations set up for the restaurants and you guys get those letters delivered. Remember be at your places at seven."

"Hai, Sannin-sama!" yelled Kakashi and Ebisu as they saluted before running off. Did I mention that I love it when a plan comes together?

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Three days before Valentine's Day…Tsunade's Office.

Shikamaru, Naruto, Neji, Sasuke, Shino, Sakura, Temari, Hinata, Ino, and Tenten were standing ominously outside the doors to the Hokage's office. Shizune had her arms crossed over her chest, Tonton nestled safely in the crook of her arms. She quietly gestured the ninjas into the room, showed them some chairs and left just a quietly. The only sound in the room, besides the click of the door shutting, was the chair, turned so it's back faced them, squeaking. Naruto was just about sweating bullets, he had only seen Tsunade like this once, and that was because of something Jiraya did. He didn't have a good feeling about this, and he figured it was in his best interest to lighten up the mood, "Hey Baa—."

The chair whipped around so fast, it sounded like the ball bearings were screaming as they ran over each other. Tsunade's face was smooth, except around her mouth, the lips pressed together in a line so white and thin, it was near invisible. The pupils of her eyes had fallen to the bottom of the orbs in which they were encased. Her brow was furrowed so deeply that it resembled a mountain range. She wasn't just mad, not merely angered, beyond pissed, skipping deftly past infuriated, blazing past incensed… in short, the degree to which Tsunade was showing the emotion of anger has yet to be named.

Naruto stood up to address his mother figure, as soon as her gaze fixed on him, he didn't sit down, so much as he lost all feeling in his body below his neck.

Tsunade spoke, the voice each child heard was different. Sasuke heard Itachi once again, Neji heard Hiashi, as did Hinata, Sakura heard Orochimaru, Temari heard Gaara, and Naruto heard Kyuubi. In the voice that connotated fear across ages and minds, Tsunade had a simple message to get across, "I only asked one thing. I wonder who here's done it. Raise your hand if you did what I asked you to yesterday."

Nobody dared move any part of there body, interestingly enough; they all had simultaneous nose itches. It was maddening.

"That's what I thought. Nobody took this seriously. I guess I'll have to choose for you. Everyone, go home, later today, I'll get each of you a valentine, on it will be a place and time. Also there will be instructions about what to bring. I figured that giving you all a chance would be the best way to do this. Turns out I was wrong. You all may look sixteen, but you still act like children! You're dismissed and if I find a single one of you tonight by yourselves, I'll guarantee nothing but D rank missions for the rest of the year! Now go and get yourselves ready!"

The cowed teens left the office, each one noticing Shizune sitting there with earmuffs, holding her hands over Tonton's ears.

After Tsunade calmed down, (i.e. drank several liters of sake), she called in Ebisu.

The black covered, do-ragged, bespectacled Jonin with the spirals on his shoulders came in through the ruined wall. "You asked for me, Hokage-sama?"

"Impeccable timing Ebisu. You know about that backup plan I had asked about?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama. The secret date project?"

If Tsunade's previous mood was the exemplar of darkness and hatred, then the smirk that crossed her features was light and happy by comparison. Even more impressive, when Tsunade replied, she still did it with that smirk on her face, "Yes, that one. Please implement it and when you are finished, tell me if you've found that pervert hermit yet."

Ebisu pushed up his sunglasses, using his hand to cover the grin the crossed his features, "Of course Hokage-sama, right away."

_.::TBC::._


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